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| Title: | Psycho or Jealous? |
| Author: | Advice Diva |
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There are very few articles and resources addressing the topic
of jealousy. I have come to the conclusion that this is merely
because people don't know what stance to take on the situation.
Everyone has been on both sides of the fence. Most of us have
experienced a jealous lover and many of us have been in a
relationship where we curiously find ourselves being insecure
and jealous by nature. On one hand you want to condemn the
abhorrent behavior exhibited by jealous partners while on the
other hand you might be able to sympathize. I have decided to
courageously announce my decided opinion. Jealousy is just
another euphemism for psychotic behavior.
Without going too far into the psychology of jealousy, you
should understand that jealousy is not an innate feeling that we
are all born with; rather it is a learned response that people
have developed over time to deal with certain situations. We all
have the ability to feel anguish and emotional sorrow, and
jealousy is one way we cope with these feelings. Jealousy can
rear its ugly green head at any time. You never know what will
set it off. Some people can be completely at ease with one lover
and insanely jealous with another lover. People have the
potential to get jealous for a multitude of reasons. They might
have low self esteem, have been rejected or betrayed in the past
or feel insecure about their body or looks to name a few.
I would venture to say that a small amount of jealousy in any
relationship is normal. It might even be considered a good thing
because it shows that deep emotions are tied to this
relationship. But jealousy should not be confused as a sign of
love. Severe jealousy is the exact opposite of love. Emma
Goldman, an early 20th century writer, claimed that “Its
(jealousy) one desire is to punish, and to punish as severely as
possible”. She was very right. There are obvious big, bright and
bold lines that are crossed all too often. You have probably
dated one of these line crossers; I have dated more than enough.
This is when jealousy becomes apparent psychotic behavior. Your
lover begins to assume that you are cheating on some level or
another and you are being dishonest almost every day. Soon you
get to the point where that person is doing a stake out of your
home, following you around like a private eye, breaking into
your email accounts, slashing your tires and smearing chocolate
cake on your door (Yes, someone actually smeared cake on my door
in a jealous rage). When you get to the point where you can not
even say one word to a member of the opposite sex at a party
because you fear the inevitable wrath which will follow from
your lover when you get home, your relationship is in jeopardy.
When people exhibit these jealous rages, they are only
destroying the relationship they are trying to save. People use
jealousy as a legitimate weapon of defense to protect what is
rightfully theirs. Jealousy attempts to prevent the annihilation
of love, but it only helps it along. Experiencing these jealous
rages will also further lower your self respect because it
causes you to stoop to the lowest of acts. It destroys more than
just the relationship. “Jealousy is invariably a one-sided,
bigoted accuser, convinced of his own righteousness and the
meanness, cruelty and guilt of his victim”. Although the jealous
person wants to keep the relationship intact, the intentions of
showing these acts of jealousy are to maliciously hurt the other
person. Obviously, these uncontrollable acts used to salvage the
relationship do not work. They only cause the other person to
retaliate in disgust making the situation even worse.
So how do you deal with jealousy? That is the big question. For
the insanely jealous person, the best thing you can do is
recognize that your jealousy may be unfounded and then open the
lines of communication. Instead of brooding on thoughts of
infidelity, simply tell your lover how you are feeling as soon
as you start feeling that way. You should have these feelings
immediately put to ease when he or she calms your heart. You
also need to stop trying to forcibly fuse your relationship into
one being. The best relationships are created through the
bonding of two separate individuals. If you are dealing with a
jealous person whom you want to stay with and love, then you are
going to have to learn not to get drawn in to these petty
jealousy arguments, do not retaliate, do not take any blame, do
not let the freak outs get to you when they occur and do not
assume that he or she will change any time soon. To help get rid
of jealous behavior you must leave all of your doors open.
Meaning, you must not keep anything hidden or locked away for
your love to get suspicious or distrusting over. Couples
therapy, although expensive, is a viable option.
For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at:
thediva@advicediva.com Please visit http://www.advicediva.com
for more articles by the Diva
About the author:
The Advice Diva has written three self-help guides on
relationships and dating which can be found at
http://www.advicediva.com She also hosts an online advice column
which is completely free of charge. The Diva does not claim to
be an expert in any field. However, she has the ability to
understand relationhips through past experience and her
incredible insight.
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